The Burden of Decision Lifted - Part II

Just when it seemed my mind was all clear, the boss' missus came along and planted doubt into my head. I explained that if I do go to Hawaii, I'll rot, degerate, lead a decadent lifestyle. But she asked me - What's wrong with that? Her point was that we only live once. At 60, I would look back at the 2 years in Hawaii as the 2 best years of my life. There may never be another chance of taking a 2-year fully paid holiday in Hawaii in my life. I would have time to achieve later, there is no rush to do it quickly. And she said that the only reason she was advising me as such was that she would say the same thing to her own children.

She is not wrong. I've often said that my 4 years in UK were the best time in my life, and that I would give nearly everything now in exchange for another 4 years there. Well, Hawaii isn't quite UK, but close enough. Shouldn't the opportunity be something I've always hoped for?

I started reconsidering, again. My heart was probably already decided on going to the psychology side; it was more my mind I needed to convince. My reasons started off being more trivial ones: (1) I enjoyed life as a student in UK, not just life in UK, so life in Hawaii will not be as enjoyable given that the student life part is missing; (2) My friends won't be there; I will practically be alone; (3) fundamentally, I don't really connect to the Americans the way I can connect to the Brits; (4) I enjoyed UK partly because of the playing and watching of football - the purist form of the game, whereas the US offers only the bastardised version of it that in fact uses more of the hands than the feet; (5) the bleeding air tickets back to Singapore from Hawaii through Japan are gonna cost me a bomb.

Then I stumbled across a more important consideration. The thing I hate most about my present job is the potential for me to feel 'small'. The feeling of being the lowest, insignificant creature in the group surfaces too often. If I step over to Hawaii, there will be many occasions when such sentiments are bound to descend upon me. I've had 3 years of this shit; I don't want more of it.

Which leads me to the main reason for my decision. My happpiness depends overwhelmingly on my self-esteem. My self-esteem is defined by my achievements in life and career. Doing psychology gives me a better basis to achieve later in my life than going to Hawaii. Going to Hawaii gives me happiness, but one that is short-lived and hollow.

I thank my boss' missus for probing these thoughts. I am now more convinced than before that a career in psychology is what i want.