The Burden of Decision Lifted
It feels good to be relieved of the burden of decision.
“What are you going to do after you leave the organisation?” has been the perennial question I’ve got, which I have not been able to answer. I didn’t know what I want to do. There were too many possibilities. I could stay or leave. If I stay, I could remain in the organisation, get a 2-year posting in Hawaii, or join the psychology department. If I leave, I could join a firm in an executive position, practise psychology, or run a business of my own. That’s a total of 6 options to decide from.
The problem is that I have no real financial commitments. No wife, no kids, no house. I should have enough for my parents to live comfortably, though not luxuriously. The key thing I must finance is my remaining car loan, but I can pay that off anytime. When one has no commitments, one faces no constraints. Hence, if an extremely conservative approach is to stay and continue what I have been doing, an audacious plan is to start a business with high profit returns but low probability of success. After all, if I fail, just restart.
The ongoing financial crisis complicates things. All of a sudden, my liquidity is hit. It was bad timing. I plunged in close to 100 units in July 08; by September I lost 20%; by December I had only 50% left. With less liquidity, my stomach for risk-taking dropped. The fear, also, was that if I should choose to leave, I would be forced to accept an even greater compromise in a new job than what I was originally prepared to suffer.
If the pay is at least 5 digits, I am prepared to compromise my interest – which is unambiguously work related to psychology. Conversely, if it is a job related to psychology, I will be willing to take a 25% pay cut from the present. But whether or not I can get a psychology job at 75% of my current pay or a 10K non-psychology job is uncertain.
All this uncertainty meant that I started looking inwards more and more. The option of not quitting became more attractive. But staying in the current organisation has never been a prospect. I need to get out. I have become too comfortable with authority and influence, and psychologically, I will be hit by the sudden loss of position if I stayed.
The 2 year posting in Hawaii will be pure self-indulgence. It will put my life – my career and ageing process – at a standstill for 2 years as I go to a low-stress, high relaxation environment. Maybe I can take another degree or a doctorate while there. I can also network, look for contacts, ideas and opportunities. All these as I accumulate a tidy savings back home while enjoying Hawaiian life on expatriate terms. It will be reminiscent of my university life, without being tied down to a bond.
Joining the psychology department, on the other hand, will mean doing something I like, facilitate my transition to the next career, maintain my existing salary, and hence, way of life. I had a chat with SF about where the psychology department is heading under the new Head, and I was thrilled because the new boss has similar visions as I do. There are also inherently advantageous interpersonal dynamics to me. The new boss is somewhat isolated as he drives forward while most of the incumbents prefer to hold back, and thus I can be his much-needed ally. I have been coveted by the department ever since I returned from university and twice they had tried to secure my services, but were out-muscled by higher “powers”. And my familiarity with my present organisation – people and issues – means I have more exposure and understanding compared to the incumbents, perhaps even the boss himself.
But these are mainly just peripheral considerations. Fundamentally, it is down to a decision between 2 years of enjoyment or 2 years of basic professional cultivation in my field of interest.
The breakthrough is this line of thinking and questioning. What do I want to achieve at the end of this decade, when I hit 40? What will give me a sense of satisfaction that I never had in my current job? What is it about some of my friends and their work that I have always envied but never tried to pinpoint exactly?
The answer: by 40, I hope to have started something on my own, something I can grow and build on. At the end of my life, I want to have something I can look back, touch and feel as my achievement. It will have to be something distinctly me, in my name, associated with me, such that whenever it is mentioned, people know I am the founder.
This must equate to an enterprise of sorts. But what sort of enterprise, or business, can I run? My strength, and my interest, is in issues to do with the mind, and its interplay with the heart. Hence, the enterprise is most likely psychology-related. Exactly which branch of psychology – clinical, occupational, educational, developmental or others – I don’t know yet, but it will be of one or more of these. I may start a clinic, a consultancy or even a research institute.
And if it’s this field I want to pursue, surely my decision now should be to do something that brings me closer to it rather than further. The only way going to Hawaii can bring me closer to my goal is if I take another psychology Master there. But I have no idea what degree I should take since I have no real experience in psychology. And I know in my heart of hearts that if I go to Hawaii, the most likely life I will lead is a decadent one. Under a no-pressure, no-supervision environment, there really isn’t anything to stop me from succumbing to banal instincts of lazing and degenerating. I will just waste my time and at the end of 2 years, find myself further from anything that I’ve ever wanted to do.
On the other hand, joining the psychology department brings me closer to my goal. I get exposed to the field of my interest for the first time. I get a real sense of what it means to be a practitioner, what gaps exist in the industry and what opportunities are available. I can even foresee a rough eight-year plan now to reach 40. The first two to three years will be to gain practical experience, widen my awareness beyond occupational psychology, establish a network and be socially known in the fraternity. The subsequent two to three years will be to gain practical experience outside of this organisation, establish my name and professional credence, and gain depth of expertise in different areas of psychology. And the final two to three years will be to conceive a business venture, formulate a plan, and seek contacts and clients. By the end of eight years, I should start something. Of course, this is a broad plan and timeline. It can slide, change, be aborted or replaced.
So the choice between Hawaii or the psychology department is clear. Yet, this rationalisation remains incomplete. The interplay of one’s heart and mind is complex. The factor I have not mentioned in my reasoning so far is that of my heart. I can’t bring myself to admit that a decision as important as that of my career and my self-identity – the very underpinning of my existence – is made from a non-rational consideration that emanated from my heart. And yet, I know that our mind ultimately succumbs to our heart – the ‘emotional brain’ it is called. In all my introspection, the factor of my gf perhaps exerts a far deeper but unconscious influence in the direction of my rationalisation than I know. I cannot deny that it could have told me silently, but persuasively, that if I choose Hawaii, I will also be deciding to end my relationship with my gf, which I don’t want to. Perhaps my heart has bidded my mind to persuade in the same direction. Fortunately anyway, both my heart and mind have reached the same conclusion.
And while I cannot claim that it is a large part of my consideration, staying in Singapore has the advantage of being around for my parents. I’m not saying much about this not because it is trivial, but because it’s my honest belief that 2 years away does not make me an ingrate and therefore it need not be an overwhelming factor.
But I have still not answered my first and foremost question – whether to stay or leave my present organisation. I have decided that if I stay, I will move to the psychology department, to bring me closer to my vision at 40. On the same reasoning, if I leave, I should still practise psychology, rather than seek employment as an executive elsewhere or attempt to start an enterprise rightaway. So everything now hinges on whether to stay to do psychology or go out to do psychology.
What I shall endeavour in the coming months is to start applying for psychology positions outside, and see what prospects are in store. In 1997, after I was offered my scholarship, I became too lazy to apply for other scholarships. In the past 8 years as I served my bond, I have never stopped wondering what if. This is a mistake I don’t want to repeat. If I decide to go to the psychology department, comfortable as it would be, I still want to go in with my eyes open and be well-informed about what I would have missed. Then my final decision will be set.
Our lives can be broken into decades, each shaped by decisions we make at the start based on incomplete information about the world and what we want. At 12, we make the choice of secondary school, which shapes our teenage years. At about 19 or 20, we make the choice of university and course, which shapes our initial career. At around 30, we make a more informed career choice, armed with real work experience, better understanding of ourselves, and some financial power. My choices thus far have all been good in retrospect. At 31 today, hopefully my decision for this decade will be a good one too.
“What are you going to do after you leave the organisation?” has been the perennial question I’ve got, which I have not been able to answer. I didn’t know what I want to do. There were too many possibilities. I could stay or leave. If I stay, I could remain in the organisation, get a 2-year posting in Hawaii, or join the psychology department. If I leave, I could join a firm in an executive position, practise psychology, or run a business of my own. That’s a total of 6 options to decide from.
The problem is that I have no real financial commitments. No wife, no kids, no house. I should have enough for my parents to live comfortably, though not luxuriously. The key thing I must finance is my remaining car loan, but I can pay that off anytime. When one has no commitments, one faces no constraints. Hence, if an extremely conservative approach is to stay and continue what I have been doing, an audacious plan is to start a business with high profit returns but low probability of success. After all, if I fail, just restart.
The ongoing financial crisis complicates things. All of a sudden, my liquidity is hit. It was bad timing. I plunged in close to 100 units in July 08; by September I lost 20%; by December I had only 50% left. With less liquidity, my stomach for risk-taking dropped. The fear, also, was that if I should choose to leave, I would be forced to accept an even greater compromise in a new job than what I was originally prepared to suffer.
If the pay is at least 5 digits, I am prepared to compromise my interest – which is unambiguously work related to psychology. Conversely, if it is a job related to psychology, I will be willing to take a 25% pay cut from the present. But whether or not I can get a psychology job at 75% of my current pay or a 10K non-psychology job is uncertain.
All this uncertainty meant that I started looking inwards more and more. The option of not quitting became more attractive. But staying in the current organisation has never been a prospect. I need to get out. I have become too comfortable with authority and influence, and psychologically, I will be hit by the sudden loss of position if I stayed.
The 2 year posting in Hawaii will be pure self-indulgence. It will put my life – my career and ageing process – at a standstill for 2 years as I go to a low-stress, high relaxation environment. Maybe I can take another degree or a doctorate while there. I can also network, look for contacts, ideas and opportunities. All these as I accumulate a tidy savings back home while enjoying Hawaiian life on expatriate terms. It will be reminiscent of my university life, without being tied down to a bond.
Joining the psychology department, on the other hand, will mean doing something I like, facilitate my transition to the next career, maintain my existing salary, and hence, way of life. I had a chat with SF about where the psychology department is heading under the new Head, and I was thrilled because the new boss has similar visions as I do. There are also inherently advantageous interpersonal dynamics to me. The new boss is somewhat isolated as he drives forward while most of the incumbents prefer to hold back, and thus I can be his much-needed ally. I have been coveted by the department ever since I returned from university and twice they had tried to secure my services, but were out-muscled by higher “powers”. And my familiarity with my present organisation – people and issues – means I have more exposure and understanding compared to the incumbents, perhaps even the boss himself.
But these are mainly just peripheral considerations. Fundamentally, it is down to a decision between 2 years of enjoyment or 2 years of basic professional cultivation in my field of interest.
The breakthrough is this line of thinking and questioning. What do I want to achieve at the end of this decade, when I hit 40? What will give me a sense of satisfaction that I never had in my current job? What is it about some of my friends and their work that I have always envied but never tried to pinpoint exactly?
The answer: by 40, I hope to have started something on my own, something I can grow and build on. At the end of my life, I want to have something I can look back, touch and feel as my achievement. It will have to be something distinctly me, in my name, associated with me, such that whenever it is mentioned, people know I am the founder.
This must equate to an enterprise of sorts. But what sort of enterprise, or business, can I run? My strength, and my interest, is in issues to do with the mind, and its interplay with the heart. Hence, the enterprise is most likely psychology-related. Exactly which branch of psychology – clinical, occupational, educational, developmental or others – I don’t know yet, but it will be of one or more of these. I may start a clinic, a consultancy or even a research institute.
And if it’s this field I want to pursue, surely my decision now should be to do something that brings me closer to it rather than further. The only way going to Hawaii can bring me closer to my goal is if I take another psychology Master there. But I have no idea what degree I should take since I have no real experience in psychology. And I know in my heart of hearts that if I go to Hawaii, the most likely life I will lead is a decadent one. Under a no-pressure, no-supervision environment, there really isn’t anything to stop me from succumbing to banal instincts of lazing and degenerating. I will just waste my time and at the end of 2 years, find myself further from anything that I’ve ever wanted to do.
On the other hand, joining the psychology department brings me closer to my goal. I get exposed to the field of my interest for the first time. I get a real sense of what it means to be a practitioner, what gaps exist in the industry and what opportunities are available. I can even foresee a rough eight-year plan now to reach 40. The first two to three years will be to gain practical experience, widen my awareness beyond occupational psychology, establish a network and be socially known in the fraternity. The subsequent two to three years will be to gain practical experience outside of this organisation, establish my name and professional credence, and gain depth of expertise in different areas of psychology. And the final two to three years will be to conceive a business venture, formulate a plan, and seek contacts and clients. By the end of eight years, I should start something. Of course, this is a broad plan and timeline. It can slide, change, be aborted or replaced.
So the choice between Hawaii or the psychology department is clear. Yet, this rationalisation remains incomplete. The interplay of one’s heart and mind is complex. The factor I have not mentioned in my reasoning so far is that of my heart. I can’t bring myself to admit that a decision as important as that of my career and my self-identity – the very underpinning of my existence – is made from a non-rational consideration that emanated from my heart. And yet, I know that our mind ultimately succumbs to our heart – the ‘emotional brain’ it is called. In all my introspection, the factor of my gf perhaps exerts a far deeper but unconscious influence in the direction of my rationalisation than I know. I cannot deny that it could have told me silently, but persuasively, that if I choose Hawaii, I will also be deciding to end my relationship with my gf, which I don’t want to. Perhaps my heart has bidded my mind to persuade in the same direction. Fortunately anyway, both my heart and mind have reached the same conclusion.
And while I cannot claim that it is a large part of my consideration, staying in Singapore has the advantage of being around for my parents. I’m not saying much about this not because it is trivial, but because it’s my honest belief that 2 years away does not make me an ingrate and therefore it need not be an overwhelming factor.
But I have still not answered my first and foremost question – whether to stay or leave my present organisation. I have decided that if I stay, I will move to the psychology department, to bring me closer to my vision at 40. On the same reasoning, if I leave, I should still practise psychology, rather than seek employment as an executive elsewhere or attempt to start an enterprise rightaway. So everything now hinges on whether to stay to do psychology or go out to do psychology.
What I shall endeavour in the coming months is to start applying for psychology positions outside, and see what prospects are in store. In 1997, after I was offered my scholarship, I became too lazy to apply for other scholarships. In the past 8 years as I served my bond, I have never stopped wondering what if. This is a mistake I don’t want to repeat. If I decide to go to the psychology department, comfortable as it would be, I still want to go in with my eyes open and be well-informed about what I would have missed. Then my final decision will be set.
Our lives can be broken into decades, each shaped by decisions we make at the start based on incomplete information about the world and what we want. At 12, we make the choice of secondary school, which shapes our teenage years. At about 19 or 20, we make the choice of university and course, which shapes our initial career. At around 30, we make a more informed career choice, armed with real work experience, better understanding of ourselves, and some financial power. My choices thus far have all been good in retrospect. At 31 today, hopefully my decision for this decade will be a good one too.
posted by mindofminds at
11:32 am
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