Most boring blog

If there was a competition for the most boring blog, mine wins hands-down.

Sigh.

An Insight into Stalkers

Blogs can be a dangerous thing. I was reading a blog by a lady who has her entire life accounted in there, and complete with pictures. It was honestly a very interesting read, and at the end, I felt almost as if I knew her. She is a good-looking 20-something, and certainly came across as being an extremely open person.

I am not a stalker, nor a psycho. But I have gone towards that direction before, in the sense that I have put my mind to go through that line of thinking, to the extent that I believe, now, I can attempt to understand what goes through the head of a stalker. To digress, someone once said that there is a thin line between sanity and insanity. I think what prevents me from crossing over from sanity to insanity, is being in control of my 'spiralling thoughts'.

What makes a person stalk? First, there are personality factors. He (I use 'he', since more often than not, stalkers are male) is most definitely someone who is insecure, and in need of love and attention. He does not feel confident enough about himself, which explains why he chooses to admire from a distance - for fear of being rejected when he makes his approach. He needs love and attention - this does not mean that he lacks them at the moment, but it does mean that the love and attention coming from a certain category of people (be it family-type, partner-type, friend-type) is lacking. I think therefore, one would not be surprised to find that stalkers tend to stalk people from whom they imagine the sort of love and attention they crave.

How does a stalker choose his targets? There are those who actively search for it. But therein lies the difference between the ones who are generally normal in terms of the love and attention they get from significant others in their lives, as opposed to those who are largely bereft of it. The former probably sets his sights on targets more by coincidence - he stumbles across them on the streets, over the internet (chatrooms, blogs), or maybe through friends. The latter, on the other hand, hunts for targets. For both groups, targets are usually strangers at the onset, but 'stand out' for certain individual reasons that they appeal to the stalker, depending on what exactly the stalker craves. It's a bit like how beauty is in the eyes of the beholder - every stalker pursues a different thing. This also means that not just attractiveness (although this is as common as how generally, people prefer attractive beings), but also other things come into play. I am sure there are many instances where not-very-attractive people have similarly become victims of stalkers.

I will attempt to chart out the thoughts and questions of a potential stalker who comes across his target over the internet, say, a blog. I will just call it 'readers' instead of 'stalker' to be more neutral. I choose to use the example of a blog because that was what set me off on this train of thinking in the first place, but I think these things can equally be applied to any form of internet and maybe phone communications.

The blogger first comes to 'life'. This may be through an elaborate description of the thoughts or events in her life, to the extent that she comes across as having a conversation with the reader. If the blogger has been blogging for a long time, the archives will allow the reader to gain a good understanding of her. The details here and there puts personality substance into what will otherwise be a stranger. Photographs and pictures, the more personal they are, make the stalker's encounter with the blogger feel even more surreal.

The blogger, before being 'selected' as the target, will have to be 'reachable'. If comments on the blogger's postings are allowed, it gives the reader a chance to 'speak back' with the blogger. The reader will also need to feel that the blogger is within physical distance - I don't know if this is because of similarity, since distance equates to cultural similarities and similarities breed interest, or because it gives a sense of possibility to the reader that somehow, an encounter with the blogger can be realised physically, however remote the chances. If the blogger provides an email address, it increases the 'reachability' by multiple times - it allows the reader to really converse with the blogger, and provides the opportunity for the reader to stage more meet-ups over the net, on the phone, or even physically.

The reader then tries to elicit feedback from the blogger. If the blogger stays silent, that may well end the process. If the blogger replies, that constitutes the further green light as far as the reader is concerned. Again, replies from the blogger make it feel like an actual conversation is taking place, which makes the blogger appear more real and more reachable.

Finally, if the blogger reverts with any form of interest, this represents the final encouragement that the reader needs before 'confirming' the blogger as a target. The interest can be manifested innocently in the form of questions about the reader. The more questions are asked, the more interested the blogger appears, and the more it seems to the reader that some form of connection has been made.

If I may try to summarise, underlying a stalker's actions is a crave for love and attention that is being fuelled continuously by a sense of hope. However, the end state in terms of whether the blogger becomes a friend or a partner or anything else, will not even be clear to the stalker at the onset, because in the first place, stalkers do not start off looking for a partner or a friend; they start off looking for love and attention. Many will therefore convince (or perhaps deceive) themselves that all they want is to be a friend. My suspicion, though, is that they will eventually realise that the love and attention they seek can only come about from being more than a friend.

Why I am writing all these? Well, I guess because I am a student of psychology, and every now and then, I dwell alot into such things, which I never had the discipline to write out. Perhaps now, it is the fact that blogs allow me to open up such thoughts to others - some sort of a spectator effect - that encourages me to put down more of these thinking. I have written this blog based not on any scientific research, but pure hypotheses from my observations of people. I'm not sure if the title sounds overly confident that these insights are accurate, but heck, this isn't a scientific journal! My readers can make what they want from it.

Dark secrets

I have been searching for some inspiration on what i should write. At last, i came across this blog that was titled "What's wrong with me". That was the inspiration I needed. I posted a comment to the blogger, and then here I am, writing my 3rd posting now.

A blog is like a soliloquy. It is an opportunity when one, most probably, sits quietly in his/her room and narrates the things of his/her life the way he sees it. Some people choose to narrate events that happened; others choose to narrate thoughts. Whichever way, it is special, because they represent the way that the blogger makes sense of the world and interprets his/her role in it. Before one is able to narrate the things so systematically, there must have been a fair bit of rationalisation and thinking that had gone into them.

And yet, a blog is only like a soliloquy written for a novel. It is artificial, as ultimately, it is written for an audience for whom maybe, the blogger wishes will be reading. Moreover, in systematically arranging those events and thoughts, wouldn't there have been some censorship, filtering or exaggeration that are necessarily put in? If so, even if the representations in a blog are not false, they cannot be very true, either.

My point is, even in moments of solitude, a person cannot be fully honest. Each of us hold on to dark secrets that even the closest people to us may not know. Different categories of family and friends are privy to different types of dark secrets. And even when each of them do, these secrets would have been tempered, and the true extent of how 'dark' they are will only be known within ourselves.

Can there, then, be absolute trust in this world?

Indeed, can we even trust ourselves? How often do we deceive ourselves, on the pretext of convincing ourselves? How often have we given ourselves excuses, and passed them off as justifications, when something occurs that we do not like? How often have we, deep within, refused to listen to what our heart says, and choose instead to follow our minds? But yet again, how often can we be VERY SURE that those are excuses from our minds, and not real and sincere justifications that come from our hearts? Do we even know?

Perhaps not, I think. That is why, we cannot even trust ourselves.

On this depressing note, let's hope future postings will be happier.

Liverpool FC

I'm back! Yes, the title of this blog kinda reveals what my favourite football team is, and my passion too. This morning, I just read on the internet that Robbie Fowler, affectionately known as 'God', has returned to Anfield. Actually, when Fowler scored that 3rd goal for Manchester City against the Scums about a week or so ago, I was already wondering if it would be a good move to get him back to Liverpool. This topic has also been discussed at length (in a hypothetical scenario then) in the LFC website forum, and there have been very mixed comments. For me personally, each time the topic is brought up, my response was that he is way past his prime. Fowler is not the 'God' of old. But then again, strangely enough, when I read the news this morning, I was happy. Perhaps it is because how Djbril Cisse proved himself to be that bad against the Scums last week. Perhaps I am still emotionally enchanted by the way that Fowler scored at ease in the mid-90s. Perhaps I am still hoping, against my rational belief, that Rafa can somehow bring Fowler back to where he used to be. Hopefully, this will be the case.

The title of this blog reads "Liverpool FC". To me, that comes with it an obligation to speak my mind about the 2 teams that I absolutely detest. Any football fan will be able to tell, at this stage, that I am referring to MANURE and CHELSKI. To be honest, I don't dislike the latter half as much as I hate the former. And to be accurate, too, I don't dislike the Manure players (except for a few); what I really can't stand are the supporters. Manure supporters for obscure reasons have been brought up to bask in the glory of the team's successes in the 90s. Most are but glory-hunters. They can't accept when Manure loses, and they start to criticise their team. Some of their so-called supporters (and I say it with my conscience intact) have turned into Chelskian fans in the last 2 seasons!! I guess what drives me to sometimes having homicidal instincts against the Manure fans is that when Manure wins, they behave like such arseholes (although they are, in reality, arseholes), behave in such a detestable and cocky manner, as if they were indeed that good. I have some colleagues who support Manure, and to be honest, deep in my heart, I hate some of them to the core. If ever anyone of them gets murdered, I might well be the murderer. There is one particular ex-colleague whom I absolutely hate, and he supports Manure. He is a typical know-little-about-football person who claims to support a team (Manure in this case), who pretends to cry when Manure loses, but who is at best a fair-weather Manure supporter. He is detestable. If not for the fact that he is married and have a kid, I think he should be shot. He is quite intelligent, but I find him a disgrace to mankind.

Now, on to Chelski. I am becoming more and more neutral towards them, actually. But a worrying tendency is when I read what their supporters post on LatestGoals.net. They are becoming like Manure supporters, who brag about their brilliance each time they win. Really, touch my heart, Liverpool supporters don't do such things. We get ecstatic when Liverpool wins, but we share our joy with fellow Liverpool supporters, rather than expend our energies to taunt rival supporters and prove ourselves to be arseholes at the same time. There was a period of time when i detested Moron, and that was last year when he put his finger to his lip to tell the Pool supporters to be quiet when Chelski equalised. But since then, I guess I have to admit that he is a great manager, just as he has moulded a great team. This is a fact. And I think that for Liverpool to pip Chelski from the Premiership table (not this season but next), Rafa's tactical genuis, coupled with some Chelskian complacency, is paramount.

Ok, so much for football for now. Football is something which gets me irrational - as you can tell from the references to murder, and so on - although I am in the main a rather rational and sensible person. I guess I don't like to be provoked or taunted.

Ok, since I don't have much more to say for now, I will call it a day...

My first time.

This is the first time that i am writing a blog. Guess it's a good idea, since i tend to think too much, and sometimes choose not to say it, and if i keep it to myself i may go mad. I don't know what kinds of things i will write in here. Guess it really would cover anything and everything, depending on what occupies my mind on that particular day. For today, let's start with a self-introduction.

I am a systematic person, and i think i can write well. Problem is, one of the guidelines for writing is to know what the intent is. So i ask myself, is this blog going to serve merely as an autobiography, or do i aim to let others read my blog, and hopefully revert with some comments? As in many things in my life, i have no answer. I guess, again, it depends on my mood that day.

As i was writing the second paragraph, i was struck by how slowly, and boringly, my blog is unfolding. Which makes me wonder, then, how many people would actually bother to read it? What is there to interest people who have completely no clue about me, to read something that i am writing? Maybe, as what my nick would suggest, i'd like to think that anyone who are inclined to think about thoughts, or who are interested in how a human mind processes thoughts, may well be interested in my blog. My excuse for how boring my blog seems to be unfolding is that i am, in fact, writing out the stream of cosciousness - the flow of thoughts within one's mind at every moment - that everyone goes through all the time. Our minds do not process thoughts systematically at all, and it is a fact that we jump from one thought to another.

By the way, just by way of introducing myself further, i was an English literature student in my Junior College days, and a psychology graduate having did my post-grad in the UK.

Which leads me to the thought, should i write enough on this blog that would allow friends to expose my real identity, or should i keep such factual information to a minimum so that i can continue to write in confidentiality. Difficult choice. If there is to be any semblance of reality and life in this blog, i guess i have to reveal more. And yet, if i reveal more, i will be constrained from saying the innermost thoughts and feelings about myself, some of which i obviously would not want my friends to know. Tough one which, again, i shall refrain from committing for now. My suspicion, though, is that i would soon write more and more, and if there were anyone truly interested to read on, he would no doubt be able to converge the information and conclude that it is I who is the author of this blog.

There had been a pause before i write this paragraph, as i had gone out. One of the challenges of writing where you left off earlier is, using the term i mentioned earlier, to continue on the stream of consciousness, which had been lost. In any case, one of the thoughts when i was driving just now, was that perhaps i should rename the title of this posting from 'my first time' to 'stream of consciousness', which is what i have been doing all these while. Maybe, but strangely i can't find the title of this posting for me to edit now. Sigh, perhaps 'My First Time' is the correct title after all.

Just to introduce myself further, i am in my late 20s. Is that old? The 30, 40 and 50-somethings say to me i am still young. And yet, ironically enough, they are the ones who tell their kids to call me 'uncle'. On the other hand, the younger ones in their teens and early 20s mostly call me by name or some more affectionately as 'kor', but yet they are the ones who generally see my as being older. That's an irony, isn't it? To me, it just shows that when somebody comments on whether any person is old, he makes that comment based on a comparison with his own age. That's why 30 somethings say to me i am young. But, when it comes to asking their kids to address me, i am an 'uncle' just as much as they are. There you go, the inconsistencies of human beings.

I guess i will end off my first blog here. Time for lunch, on the eve of Chinese New Year. I am a singaporean, by the way, and my brother is now home for reunion lunch, and later dinner too. I half suspect that the novelty of blogging will mean that after lunch, i might be at this again. After all, i am usually fascinated by new things, although that fascination may not last long. Oh yes, but whether i post another piece later depends on whether i am asked to form the last mahjong kaki by my dad, mum and brother. I don't gamble, but with my family, i don't mind, since 'the waters do not flow elsewhere'. Well, it's CNY after all.

I would love it if only i get comments after i come back. It's abit like how i get excited when my things on eBay or Yahoo auctions are bidded for. So, speak to me!

Ok, really gotta go now.