Feeling drained

This is the most testing period of my business.

Trying to secure a long-term contract with XYZ, reaching out to clients in publicity, and initiating contact with eminent schools. Above all, awaiting the sentiments of the authorities.

Fear, yet of a different sort from the past.

Back then, stress comes from the fear of being evaluated negatively. The goal was self-esteem.

Now, stress comes from the fear of failing. The goal is survival.

I finally understand why running a business is emotionally draining.

And I'm really only into the 3rd week since launch.

She is a B.I.T.C.H.

I'm talking about LW. Never so pissed off with a staff before. That, even after I've quit for 3 weeks. Amazing.

1. She complained of having too much work. I considered that she needed WLB especially after just getting married. So I decided to allocate her less tasks, and took on more myself. Result was I stayed later in office, and went back to work on weekends. I didn't mind. But then she said she wasn't satisfied with that arrangement because she didn't "feel good" that I am working while she went home. What was I supposed to do? The work had to be done! Clone myself? In the end I resorted to bringing work home to do.

2. I genuinely wanted her to be happy. I tried to be a good supervisor. I took the effort to buy her a digital photo frame for her ROM, and then to remember her birthday and wished her and told her to take an off day. And I never stopped her from taking days off anytime she wanted. I left deadlines for her to decide on her own. When she did not wish to take up a tasking that came down from boss, I FRONTED it and came up with reasons to tell boss why she should not be tasked. These are little things. But what has she done in return for me, even such little things? When I told her to represent me at meetings, about 50% of the time she would have some other commitments or she would fall sick on the day itself.

3. She is emotionally unstable. She cried after I told her that her presentation was not good enough.

4. She can't take jokes. Her past colleagues said she had no sense of irony. Indeed. For instance, she couldn't take jokes about women drivers, or anything about the competence of women, even if it was clearly said tongue-in-cheek, by someone who was known to make fun of everything, including of himself.

5. I don't know how her husband tolerates her. Once, she was in office and called his CAMP. Yes, his SAF Camp, where all his men were probably laughing at this hen-pecked officer. How insensitive can she be? Not just that, she asked the guy on the other end whether there was any way of looking for him in camp, or knowing whether he was still in camp. Apparently he was supposed to meet her at 6 plus but she called his mobile phone for 2 hours but couldn't get him. When he finally returned the call, she was big-time upset and ranted at him - while she was still in her cubicle in office. So 3 of us who were still in office heard everything. Bloody insecure, insensitive bitch.

6. The differences we had, it was an implicit understanding on my part at least, that we keep to ourselves. She went out and ranted to the boss and all our colleagues in a session where I was absent. If she had issues with me, I had issues with her TOO. But I've always kept it to the 2 of us. That's being professional, since we work with the same group of people. If she wants to say bad things about me, fine, I will not hold back in telling people the truth about her too.

7. I set up many overseas trips, and always gave her the first refusal rights. She ended up travelling to the US last year, again this year, also to Kuwait, Qatar and Oman, all thanks to what I put in place for her. No one else at her level of seniority had such opportunities. I even forgo the chance to go for these trips MYSELF because I gave her the priority. She didn't realise all that, or she didn't think much of these. In fact, she stupidly posted lots of pictures of these trips as though they were vacations, announcing "who says work trips can't be fun", and telling the world how much fun she had during all these trips. Idiot. Moron. The more she announces how fun such trips are, the more pressure she would be under to deliver quality products. I'm not sure she is competent enough to do that.

8. When she disagrees with me on something, what does she do? She scribbles at a little corner of a ROUGH PAPER on my office table, in about the size of font 6 equivalent, to tell me what she thinks, expecting me to see it. Or she inserts 2 words, again of font 6, into an earlier email in a chain, to tell me she "don't agree". Am I supposed to see it? Am I supposed to check every corner of my rough papers and old emails for indications that she is unhappy? Crazy bitch.

9. After thanking her and apologising to her openly in my farewell email to the department, I now regret it.

LW, you are a stupid, crazy, incompetent bitch. Go fuck a crocodile.

First week as self-employed

Today is Sunday. I've been self-employed since Monday.

People ask, how does it feel? What is the difference?

1. Loneliness. There are no longer colleagues around to banter with, have canteen and lunch breaks, to idle-chat or have deeper conversations.

2. Loss of structure. Work gives our life structure. Wake up at 5.30am, get out of home by 7.30am, tea at 8.30am, lunch at 12pm, pack up and go home 6-8pm. It's a routine. A routine that gives structure. It's gone.

3. No alignment. No boss to tell me what to do, no emails asking for things, no strategic or organisational level intent to align to.

4. Intellectual degradation. No one to discuss, argue and banter with, nothing to read, think and critique, no enemies to guard against, means nothing to keep my brain on its toes at all times.

Hopefully, things will change once my practice gains momentum.

Farewell to my great bunch of friends

I am a narcissist who likes to listen to myself, so standby for a long email.

I didn’t say much at the farewell lunch last week because I felt I would have to say things too concisely, which wouldn’t have conveyed the heartfelt thanks I feel towards the people here.

I’ll start by saying what I like most about our department. In all my tours before this, my predominant feeling of the jobs was “meaningful” and “fulfilling” - but never “enjoyable”. That would be stretching it. But here, everything about the experience – the people, the work and the office space – has been thoroughly enjoyable. It was truly a dream job.

A key reason why my decision to leave the organisation was difficult was because it was hard to leave this department. It was hard to leave the people here. The most telling indication of an office’s work atmosphere is whether people are happy to spend time with one another outside work. Many of us don’t mind, and in fact look forward to it. That’s the clearest sign that we have transcended from being colleagues to friends. Few other places can boast of such a working climate. This is something I will miss dearly.

The main feedback I will leave behind is that our department and our psychologists should see ourselves beyond just psychologists. A good psychologist isn’t just one who understands the immediate confines of our profession – but also the environment within which we work. I find that sometimes, we are overly hard-nosed with academic and scientific rigour, to the extent that others think we live in a different world. McDonalds is successful not because it makes good burgers – one can easily find hawker centre stalls that make better burgers. McDonalds is successful because it knows their business depends not just on burgers, but also happy meals, birthday parties, toys, and restaurant locations. If McDonalds only focuses on its burgers, it wouldn’t have come half as far. The skills we learn as a psychologist won’t distinguish us from the scores of psychologists out there. The skills we learn in adapting and applying psychology to our environment is what we will set us and the department apart from the rest.

I also took this chance to reflect on what my achievements are. I think I have made inroads into the AF, played my part in re-organising the department, and did my fair share as a Branch Head providing guidance and comments. But personally, none of these gave me great satisfaction. Instead, I consider my greatest achievements to be in pushing for overseas surveys, allowing especially our RAs to widen their exposure and experience, and in convincing the decision-makers of the need for us all to have Microsoft Office. There was another item which would have made it into this list but for various reasons I failed to push that through – to ask for better and more ergonomic chairs. If there is something I hope someone will continue after I leave, it is the watching out for these seemingly minor things that have nothing to do with one’s promotion or ranking but which goes a long way to affect everyone’s day-to-day lives.

Most importantly now, my words of thanks.

Given my intense sort of personality, one can’t really be neutral about me. You either like me or dislike me. If anyone could not accept me, I won’t apologise, because I do things that serve higher and longer-term objectives. My ambitions have always been for the department and the organisation, not self-serving. On the other hand, for those who did not mind my frank and sometimes brutal comments, thank you for your understanding and tolerance.

I also want to thank everyone for the kind words you left in my farewell scrap book. The effort that went into some of them was touching – such things make me feel that the time and effort I invested into our friendships is really worth it. My approach in work as in personal life is to pursue things wholeheartedly as long as I believe in it. Sometimes when it doesn’t work out, it hurts. But when it does, the feeling is the best in the world. I felt on reading the scrapbook that every second I’ve spent in the department has been worth the while. I could not have asked for a better gift. It is a gift I will find myself still flipping through 20 years later.

Individually, there are so many people I am grateful to and it’s not possible to thank all. But I thought about the top 3 persons whom if I don’t single out, I cannot sleep in peace tonight. The first is boss. Thank you boss, for giving me the freedom and autonomy to decide how to work with the AF. I have said to others before that if I have to rate you on a 7-point scale, I would give you a high 6. This is the highest score I’ve given to any of my former bosses.

The second person is my staff LW. Thanks for being a great assistant, handling things in my absence and keeping my feet on the ground. You’re probably the only person in this department who can write a full paper without a single thing that needs to be changed, which makes my work extremely easy.

The third person is Ayl. Thank you for supporting the AF, for being very intelligent and capable, and being able to carry out taskings with minimal supervision. Workwise, you’re a wonderful staff, and personally, you’re a wonderful friend.

Besides thanks, I also want to name 2 people to apologise to. The first is boss, for being unable to walk with you further in building this department. My decision to leave is something I honestly still feel bad about. I wish you all the best in your efforts to take this department to the next level.

The second is LW. I know my limitations as a supervisor. We have our differences and I know in some cases, I could have tried harder. I hope moving forward, you will find the fulfilment you seek.

And lastly, a word of regret. This is to the RAs and admin staff. I know I have not taken enough effort to reach out to you. I have blamed everything before – the matrix structure, the seating arrangements, the working processes – everything but myself. The truth is, I did not make enough effort. I prioritised my time for other things. It was a choice I made, and one that I regret.

With this, I close my career with an organisation I joined since I was 18. I don’t know if there are greener pastures outside. In life, the critical decisions are always made without full knowledge of the outcomes. I am afraid of the dark but I will walk on, with hope in my heart. I don’t want to reach 50 years old and find myself saying “what if” I had given myself a chance, how different my life could have been. I thank everybody once again for the wonderful time here. Take care and may our paths cross again in the future.

All the best.

P/s. For the final time, for the record, I didn’t cheat in the Amazing Race. My team was creative and we worked around the rules.

A Lesson in Trust

When well, I was true to them.
When down and beaten, I trusted them.
They assured me,
Coaxed me to sleep.
Comforted and thankful,
I closed my eyes.
Then they fed me to the wolves.

X-Roads: Why Going Back to Mainstream is Bad Idea

Decision's made, but this shall help remember why.

The main reason for going back is for progression and status. I'm judged as a high potential, a talent. That matters. I don't like being treated as unimportant. My pride is affected. But do all these still matter compared to all the negative reasons for returning to the mainstream?

I had decided to quit 2 years back. The only reason I stayed was the chance to do psychology. Now that I am doing it, and liking it, why reverse my earlier decision?

Going back to mainstream spells, first of all, stress. The constant pressure of needing to make sure everything is in tip top condition, of having to answer for things not within my span of control, of having to face up to events with huge stakes, all of which exert a toll on my physical and mental health.

Going back to the mainstream means I will face another crossroads when I retire. By then, practising psychology will no longer be a real option due to absence of training. I will have to be on the managerial path, which I don't think I enjoy. At that time in any case, I will face another fall in status.

I am 33. I have proven my worth and what I am capable of. I don’t need to prove to anyone else how good I am. I don’t need quick progression to show I am superior. I won’t like the idea of people looking upon me as unimportant, but the fact that I chose to be unimportant should serve a fair degree of consolation.

In life, every time we gain something, we often lose something else. The gains of going back to the mainstream are not worth the things that I stand to lose.

What's wrong with that?

What the F is wrong with Singaporeans.

Edison Chen wants to come to Singapore. People complain. Because he shot racy photos with some hot celebrities. What is wrong with that? He didn't take them secretly. Both are adults, both are willing.

Morals in Singapore - that Singaporeans have no morals. Just because 2 probably intoxicated souls decide to fun along Holland V in their birthday suit. What's wrong with that? Why is sex considered dirty, something that for some strange reason makes these people uncomfortable?

That Dutch guy who saved a woman from drowning. If she wants to die, let her die. Now that she can't die, we worship him. He denied someone's wishes, what's so great about that? Who are we to impose our prejudices towards the sanctity of life to soneone who doesnt think so?

The civil servant who spent loads of money on a holiday. What's wrong with that? He earns a pay, the government chose to pay him that amount, the taxpayers whom the money originate choose NOT to go into a government job or unable to rise to that level, so why blame him?

A bunch of hypocrites.

The Burden of Decision Lifted - Part II

Just when it seemed my mind was all clear, the boss' missus came along and planted doubt into my head. I explained that if I do go to Hawaii, I'll rot, degerate, lead a decadent lifestyle. But she asked me - What's wrong with that? Her point was that we only live once. At 60, I would look back at the 2 years in Hawaii as the 2 best years of my life. There may never be another chance of taking a 2-year fully paid holiday in Hawaii in my life. I would have time to achieve later, there is no rush to do it quickly. And she said that the only reason she was advising me as such was that she would say the same thing to her own children.

She is not wrong. I've often said that my 4 years in UK were the best time in my life, and that I would give nearly everything now in exchange for another 4 years there. Well, Hawaii isn't quite UK, but close enough. Shouldn't the opportunity be something I've always hoped for?

I started reconsidering, again. My heart was probably already decided on going to the psychology side; it was more my mind I needed to convince. My reasons started off being more trivial ones: (1) I enjoyed life as a student in UK, not just life in UK, so life in Hawaii will not be as enjoyable given that the student life part is missing; (2) My friends won't be there; I will practically be alone; (3) fundamentally, I don't really connect to the Americans the way I can connect to the Brits; (4) I enjoyed UK partly because of the playing and watching of football - the purist form of the game, whereas the US offers only the bastardised version of it that in fact uses more of the hands than the feet; (5) the bleeding air tickets back to Singapore from Hawaii through Japan are gonna cost me a bomb.

Then I stumbled across a more important consideration. The thing I hate most about my present job is the potential for me to feel 'small'. The feeling of being the lowest, insignificant creature in the group surfaces too often. If I step over to Hawaii, there will be many occasions when such sentiments are bound to descend upon me. I've had 3 years of this shit; I don't want more of it.

Which leads me to the main reason for my decision. My happpiness depends overwhelmingly on my self-esteem. My self-esteem is defined by my achievements in life and career. Doing psychology gives me a better basis to achieve later in my life than going to Hawaii. Going to Hawaii gives me happiness, but one that is short-lived and hollow.

I thank my boss' missus for probing these thoughts. I am now more convinced than before that a career in psychology is what i want.